ode to an embattled business owner on yelp:

This is a *ahem* fictional *ahem* response to a business owner responding to a reviewer on yelp.

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I adore you.  I simply adore you.  Thank you for taking the time to write.  I will try you again, albeit I will respectfully have my own opinion regardless of the outcome.  What is refreshing is you are yet another example of why I don’t know about yelp, in general.

1)  I am taking down my second review, and I am altering my first…. check it out.  It should be for the best.

2)  please keep interacting with yelpers like this… as well as other online reviewers (you can check your brand on twitter (it may be too young to be there), as well as see if chowhound, mouthfuls, eater sf, or any other outlet like Zagat has found you and written you up.  Tripadvisor and Zagat both have review areas and chat boards for restaurants (obviously).

3)  I am a long time yelper, albeit it may not look like it.  Over time I have become very, very skeptical of the business model and usefulness of reviews.  I think, at some point, a critical mass of reviews (coupling 1 stars with 5 stars, and then the mid range ones) will average almost everything out to 3 stars.

The networking effect is powerful here, but the ad model is weak and the site isn’t making any revenue.  What’s more, the management seems to be busy orchestrating a hipster social scene while ignoring the hypocrisy of searching for money from merchants, while doggedly ignoring their pleas to verify reviewers in lieu of their caddy, inane, rude, unprofessional, or just moronic remarks.  the more I watch yelp…. the more I think it is totally idiotic.  the problem is that people are latching onto it without understanding it, and it gets more credit than it deserves.  As a business owner you understand that much of it is stupid, while the tool it presents business from a marketing and client relations perspective is incredible.

But you get uniformed people who don’t get F&B, free standing establishments, or this market.  Or exactly what *you* and other incredible chefs are trying to do.  And these people are writing reviews that effect your business.  I have a problem with that because the uninformed public actually latches on to reviews and believes them.

There is enough difficulty in this economy in general, and in this market for food&bev….  you don’t need yet another yelper being rude and dismissive, judgmental or flip about all the hard work you put into building your brand and base.

what really bugs me about those that yelp:

instead of wanting to resolve the situation or actually help the restaurant, business, or what have you….. they wait to get home and bitch.

Instead of professionally dealing with a negative or unpleasant situation as it happens, and grabbing management…. yelpers simply wish to ramble inanely.

If this was a better tool to resolve problems, I would be convinced.  For now, it seems like really loud and sadly impacting locker room talk (Thanks Mr. Anderson).

Thank you again for responding.